Ensign Semprini, Captain InvictusDrCol, Lt Commander Wapcaplet

Loony Bang

I was hit by a falling purple skewer. It lodged into my left eyebrow and made a suiting earring. Of course the pineapple which fell afterward managed to cause internal, external, paternal, maternal, and fraternal bleeding.

I stumbled around, wondering if this was Graham's way of stealing me like he'd done to docky's books, boots, and undergarments, and my photos. Wasn't the way I'd planned to meet Graham, but not much I could do about it now. I shrugged, and my eyes darted nervously.

Ensign Semprini rushed out of the ships lavratory, and aptly commented, "Nice eyebrow ring... I think......" I smiled glazedly, and began spurt out the PS word 400 thousand times in one second. I reached for the commematory golden banana cheese cake which Semprini had sat in front of. My hands almost gripped Semprini's sword on the way to the cake, yet thought better of it.

As I drew my hand back, I hadn't noticed Docky coming from behind, and before my hand could come forward to give Semprini a blow in the head, it gave Docky a very very bad nose bleed.

I slumped over on top of Semprini, and the cheese cake fell to the floor.

BANG! Docky!


Grabbing my nose, I sat down abruptly on the ground and said, "Well fuck!" In a rather high nasal voice. "Now I sound lik I em Franch."

Standing up, I stuff bits of kleenex tissue up my nose to stop the flow of blood, and start stalking Wappy who is now giggling like a loon on acid and trying to pass off 'er weapon of nasal destruction on the Spamster.

"OH NO YOU DON'T" I yell, and jump, grabbing her foot, causing her to fall and accidently knock Biggles overboard. Grabbing the sword, I chase Grinch about yelling about how Wappy went nuts. As I am running I slip on a banana peel and go careening into POLLGE......BANG


So now I have a sword in my head. "Thanx alot Docky!" says I, stumbling around. "This things weighs a ton! Sheesh!"
I get up and dust myself orff, and look around for the perpetrator, beaning her in the head with the hilt of the sword stuck in mine. Seeing Washy bounce past, I jump onto her shoulders and hitch a ride. We bounce past Soggo who is spitting at sharks from the side of the boat. "Hey, Soggy" says I, "Best not to do that, it might make them mad...." and rightly so, because a huge mutant shark rams the ship, sending me, Soggy, Washy and the sword in my head (But it's not a metal plate so its okay!) into Spammymaster *BANG!*


**THUD** Slammed against the wall by a pack of loons, I wonder for a split second "What the crimminy did I just walk into?"

No sooner than my brain starts to ponder why Pollge's head looks like a shis-ka-bob, **WACK**. "My tooh! Youb knob ob my tooh! Ob Bluudy Helb!" The hilt of the non-metal plated sword makes a clink has it hits. "Umm, this yours?", ask Washy with a tooth in hand. "Nobe, nod mibe. Loods libe a sharbks tooh."

I grab on to something to pull myself up, only to realize I grabbed the sword from Pollge's head.

**Slam**, right on me bum, back on the deck. A loud crunching noise can be heard. "O boyb, I hobe thab wabn'd yourb braib Polb. Sorby." Pollge, with a sigh of relief, "Nope.. hey! My headaches gone! But... oOOoo I do feel sooo diZzY sUddeNly.. woowwoOww. Anyone have a tissue?"

"PROBLEM!!! We've got a problem!", says Sogg in a oddly calm voice. The good Doc walks onto the deck, "Well, no duh! We got Pollge trying not to bleed to death, Spammisses talking like Elmer Fudd and you're screaming like a crazed french person! So what problem could be any worse than that!"

It is at that point when Washy quickly points out the very pissed off and rather under-fed looking mutant shark making a meal of the bridge of the ship! "Well, that would explain the tooth then, wouldn't it?", I say as I try to fit the jagged tooth into me mouth.

"AAAHHhHHH! Craze starving mutant shark dead ahead!", says Washy. "Well, at least the things dead!", srugs Docy. I look up from tying a hankerchife around Pollge's nogin. We look at each other, look at the shark, look at the docy and back at each other.

Then back at the good doc, "Figure of SPEECH! Its just an figure of speech! RUN RUN RUN!!!!!" We all start to run to the rear of the ship. *Crunch, crunch, crunch**... Faster we flee from becoming shark food. "Well, actually, it's a naval term", states Docy, running as fast as she can.

"I KNOW its a naval term... **rolls eyes*** please for the love of elderberries, just RUN!", I scream as we all run faster and faster to the front of the ship. **crunch, crunch, crunch**...

"Its getting louDER!!!" screams Soggy!

A figure appears in front of us at the bow of the ship. One raise eyebrow and a look of total confussion on his face.

"So, whats with the sword?", asks Spammy. Running too fast from the pending doom of the inside of a shark's tummy, like a group of bowling balls into a 9 pin, we plow into the unsupecting Spamlge ***CCccccccRASHH!***



I'm walking around in my slow stolling way about the deck when suddenly I get bumped into by a mad rush of slightly injured people attempting to escape from a crazed shark. Why they are worried I have no idea considering the shark's in the water and we're not, but that's besides the point. You all are still going absolutely wild in panic and fear while I'm standing quite calmly in the midst of it looking up at the sails.

"That has to be the biggest sheet I've ever seen...." I stop Docky from running around while screaming little tidbits about naval terminology and ask why everyone's going mad.

"Because there's a crazed starving mutant shark eating away at the hull of the ship!!!" she says.

"Oh, that would be bad, now wouldn't it?" I say with a thoughtful look in my eye.

"YES!! What are we going to do??" screams Wap from the distance as I see a scantily clad woman standing on the rail of the bow with a ragtag looking teenager behind her holding her up.

"Thaaaaaaat's..... not exactly the greatest sign at this point. Hmmmm...." I say with this extremely thoughtful look on my face. Meanwhile Semprini yells some gibberish about the ship tilting or something to that effect and the various consequenses of the boat actually going under the water.

Pollge finally sees what I'm looking at so thoughtfully and comments on the various states of irony that's working into this twisted story, on that comment everyone stops yelling about and notices the mushy scene unfolding the this state of silly tragedy, which pushes Pollge make another ironic comment.

Wap hurls over the side at such an icky scene.. which doesn't make the shark any happier, and that brings us back to a shuddering reality again.

Sogg runs up to the sappy couple.. asks them to meet the group of loons, bloody noses, swords and all. They come up to us.. the guy muttering something about this not in the script, and we all surround them. We all ask for autographs with that fake smile look and Docky suddenly yells "ON THREE.. ONE, TWO, THREE!!" and we all heave the couple over the railing at the shark.

Heh heh... BANG!! have fun Sogg..

(Spamlge IV)

The first thing to run through my head was "DAMN WHY DID MAYA GET A PALIN AUTO AND I DIDNNNNNN'T!!!!!!!!!!" But wait...Maya isn't on this ship. What would I DO?! Well, the next best thing, I figure, is Katy. I glanced about frantically, and, upon not seeing her, ran down to the lower shipman's quarters (or whatever : d), burst into her room, and found her with some guy. "Holy CRAP. I didn't know it was anatomically possible to be in that position," I said, drawing my sword and impaling both of them.

BANG! Katy


"Oh bloody hell" I murmur looking down at the tip of Soggs sword coming out of my chest. I turn around and glare at Soggy. "You know, you choose the most inoportune times to impale a girl"
Soggy shrugged, smiled and bounced out of the room, happy to have found a victem so easily.
'Figures, she gets it easy, the few people i know on this boat are probobly already impaled with some form of steel' I think as I excuse myself from my blood covored friend in the anotomically impossible possition. "Stay." is all i say to him as i march out the door in search of the next contestent.
It takes close to a month and a half for me to reach the upper decks where
everyone else is (hey i have to explain my emailing absence in some way dont i).
I quickly look around. There are two small and seperate groups of people. one group bleeding and giggling, the other nervously searching for whomever is to take the next of them.
I walk out into the center of the deck and stand between the two groups. I look over at Washy and the group of already-banged shipmates. "What in the name of the force are you still doing here?"
Wash shrugs "um, bleeding?"
I wave my hand in a jedi mind-whammy gesture "This is Bang! be gone, be happy, be dead."
With that, Graham, Lennon, and a few other dead and well worshipped celebrities appear and lead away the impaled, bloody, and hyper looking group. The sword in my back was starting to get a little cold from the air at this point so i decided to hurry things up.
"Alright, Now i have to figure out who to Bang! next" As i said this i swung around too fast and my padawan braid hit someone in the eye. "um... oops..."
I reached out and handed Biggles an eyepatch. "Uh, sorry, BANG!" i yelled rather sheepishly at my rather surprised looking shipmate as i slowly faded out of existence with Qui-Gon at my side.


"Ooowwwuch....aaaarg! Oh, thankyou. I needed that" I said as I watched my eye bounce along the deck and right off the plank. My eye, in return, watched me watching it. It was an extrodinary experience, and one which - much to my chagrin - I may never get the chance to repeat.
"Plank? I didn't know we had a plank"
"BWHAHAHAHA LOL LMAO ROFL ROFLMAO OMG LOL LMAO. We don't" said Purple as she continued bleeding into an ice-cream tub "BWHAHAHAHA LOL LMAO ROFL ROFLMAO OMG LOL LMAO. I'm saving this for later.....does anyone want a blood transfusion?"
"Oh, hi Purple" said I
"I only said hi" said I
"Um....weren't you just led away by certain dead people?"
"BWHAHAHAHA LOL LMAO ROFL ROFLMAO OMG LOL LMAO. Yeah....we came back. They said they prefered it here. They said heaven was ok but it's close resemblance to Hemmel-Hempstead frightened them orff in the end. John Lennon is below decks writing Rutles parodies and Graham is pretending to be an
I decided that I would go and investigate. I crawled along - complete with newly aquired eyepatch and feeling like a real pirate - with the intention of avoiding any low bridges which may have materialised on deck. I was wondering where everyone else was, seeing as they had apparently returned. Several large brightly coloured socks flew past my ear.
These were promply followed by a dartboard and three small Hammond organs. I started to get worried. Everyone was gone and I was being bombarded by an assortment of interesting objects. A food processor, a set of limited edition steak knives, a policeman, a bed, a family of otters and a plug point elegantly fluttered by. I sat down at one of the one-quater-sized organs and bashed out some tuneless nothings which is nothing unusual. I continued to be bombarded for half an hour or so. During this time I heard a distressing range of squeaks, bangs, sawing and screams, but figured it must be the recently deceased and really not very well at all Mr and Mrs trying
to pop open a couple of cans o' spam with a chainsaw, so I (tried) to ignore it.
I decided at last that I should go and investigate the plank which we now seem to have which is there but we don't have.
As I got up I jumped 8 foot in the air in order to avoid a particularly nasty flying holiday appartment, followed by a spleen, two pancreases, thirteen sockless feet and a rather haggard looking kidney, not to mention.....a voice.
"There - got it! Thaaaaats better - you'll be as right as rain in an hour or so. Take ten of these every 5 minutes and avoid too much smoked haddock."
I was confused.
I was worried.
I recognised the voice.
I turned around.
I fainted.

(sorry....this is supposed to be time lapse)

30 minutes later......

I woke up.
I fainted again.

(sorry....this is supposed to be time lapse)

30 minutes later......

I woke up.
I fainted again.

(sorry....this is supposed to be time lapse)

30 minutes later......

I woke up.
I fainted again.

(sorry....this is supposed to be time lapse)

30 minutes later......

I woke up.
I was a bit bored of fainting, so I gave it up.

"What was all that about?" I said while Graham continued to lob bits of someone out of his hair.
"Um...yes, that.......uuuumm.........thats Docky - she had a headache so I did an operation" Graham said as he wringed out some lovely bright red blood from his white doctors coat into the half-full ice-cream tub.
"Yeaaaaaahs....I think we could make a nice black pudding out of this little lot"
"What about all that other stuff?....Don't tell me that was Docky as well" I said, with a slight giggle in my voice
"No, of couse not! Why would the Captain be full of Hammond organs and fish?"
"I didn't see any fish"
"Oh. I must have left them in there....woopps! No no, don't be silly....of couse that wasn't Docky - thats Wap"
"And what was wrong with her?"
"Ooh...I just got bored. Lucky I did though, or she might never have found out all her organs were out of tune"
"Oh dear....I thought it was just my bad playing"
I contemplated the advantages of fainting once more, but was put off by the idea that Graham might get bored again. I didn't know quite what to do - which is a regular occurence - and decided to play darts on what had previously been part of Wappy, which is a not-quite-so regular occurence. As I did this, the rest of the crew came tottering out of the medical cabin
singing something undistinguishable about undulating floppy disks.
No one turned the light off in the medical cabin, so I rushed in as quickly as I could and did the job as well as I've ever done it before. Just then I heard another voice. It was in my head. It told me to eat everyone on the ship. I ignored it. Then I heard another voice. This was a
real one. It was Grinch's voice.
"Where are we then?" said the spam couple in perfect unison
Just then John Lennon appeared with several pieces of paper in his hand.
"Hey, d'y know your organs are all out of tune Wappy? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey - look.........Liverpool!"

Will Grinch take us on into our first harbour? Will Grinch kill us all (the few who are left living) and form a band with John and Graham? Will Grinch kill us all (the few who are left living) and be lonely forever and wish she hadn't and get so bored that she kills herself which sort of ruins the bang? Will John and Graham buy a chicken farm on Mersyside? Will Mersyside
mysteriously disappear and turn up in Finland? Will nothing happen at all? Is it all a dream? Will Grinch be a real hero and find an organ tuner? 'Tis up to ye Grinchy.....*explosion*