First Entry: June 21st, 1999 1:23 AM Central Yank Time
Entry by: The society for the investigation of the kidnapping of webmasters.

The webmaster was kidnapped on March 29th 1999 by a number of loonies. These loonies will not give out their names, yet we can give you the address of their secret hideaway along with a detailed map of their hideout, pictures of torture instruments used, the computer used to make this website, and tapes of various telephone calls before and since March 29th 1999 which reveal the plot to kidnap the webmaster.

There are a number of suspects in this kidnapping case. We do believe, yet are not quite sure because if we are wrong we may get killed by the real kidnappers (even though that may happen anyways) yet even worse.... we could end up in quite a nasty law suit.

We do have reason to believe that the webmaster was kidnapped by a number of Monty Python characters and forced to create a Monty Python website that makes absolutely no sense, and is most certainly an unconventional website and if word got out about this website it would most definitely be shut down for containing no real Monty Python material, and only a few badly created pythonesque jokes, quotes, puns, and badly created drawings.

In fact we are certain that the kidnappers did force the webmaster to create such a website. The proof is located HERE as it is the ACTUAL website, and it does contain references to the kidnapping of the webmaster.

In fact the actual website even contains references to the torture of the webmaster. "The webmaster has been tied up in a corner and forced to write material for this page, yet will never see the outcome At 2:30 yesterday morning (many months ago actually), the webmaster was moved to the Comfy chair and forced to sit there writing sketches with only a cup of coffee at eleven. Although the webmaster doesn't like coffee...."

And many other references.

Second Entry:21/6/99 19:29 Limey Mean Time
The Society For Utterly Useless Information Concerning Nothing With The Actual Purpose Of The Mail


Yesterday, I went to the grocer to purchase a melon. It was a big, green one. I had it for my tea. It was very tasty. I heartily recommend the grocer to you. It's name is 'Mick's Place' and it is only seven minutes from this computer screen. Thank you.

P.S. The Society For Actually Quite Useful And Interesting Information has just sent me a message, telling me to give you some information or they will hurt my cat, Wilson. I shall therefore divulge this information in the

P.S message below.

P.P.S. No, the one BELOW.

P.P.P.S. An arm believed to be belonging to the Webmaster was recently seen groping out of a second storey window in Harlow New Town, until there was a loud shout, followed by a shot, and it was hastily withdrawn.

P.P.P.P.S. There's your information. Happy now?

Third Entry:12/7/99 11:35 PM Central Yank Time
The Organisation Responsible for the Annexation of the Island of The

It appears that the kidnappers have let loose on their semprinistic ways to allow the Webmaster to plug for political loony election bits -- The POLLGE Campaign -- and even to give hint to the webmasters whereabouts. "Little is known about the Island in which I call my home. This island is in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (Which by the way means peaceful). I've lived on this island for about half a year now." Could this island be... where the kidnappers have taken the webmaster? And has the webmaster succumb to the kidnapping? The words clearly state "which I call my home" and "on this island for about half a year now." Half a year... March 29th to July... Not quite half a year, yet very simalar to the kidnapping. I say! Is the webmaster on this island? Is the island a metaphore for the kidnapping?

How come the webmaster is able to write in first person without major interuption by the kidnappers?

Just where are the kidnappers?

How can such sites as Pollge for World Leader, The Island of The, and other bits of the page exist!? They clearly show the webmasters opinion. The webmaster must have escaped!!!

A gossiping electric semprini decomposer.

Fourth Entry: 12/7/99 11:43 PM Middle of the *ACHOO!* Pacific Ocean Time
The Society for the Demolition of all Gossiping Electric Semprini Decomposers, AKA The Kidnappers

Being a kidnapper myself *ACHOO!* I must sneeze in favor of *ACHOO* the kidnappers, and I can say that the Webmaster - Wapcaplet/Washy/Throatwobbler - is still under our custody. We have placed such articles as the island of The, and The POLLGE *ACHOO!* campaign to prove to you, *ACHOO!* the surfer, exactly what the webmaster does when we give the webmaster a 5 minute tea break. That 5 minute tea break is usually spent reading the *ACHOO!* Monty Python. Net Forum. *ACHOO!*

Although it is well known that, *ACHOO!* as a webmaster, The Webmaster is kidnapped, we do allow the webmaster time to associate with other loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages for short periods of time throughout the day, in order to provide a loonius-cranium-hyper-*ACHOO!*text-disabled-personage induced pythonesque *ACHOO!* ramblings to provide you with something to waste away a few seconds of your life reading so that you may say "I'm glad I don't hang around loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages." or even "I want to meet these loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages." or possibley "What the *ACHOO!* is a loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personage?" or maybe *ACHOO!* even "I came to realise that I was more at home with other loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages." or yet *ACHOO!*even this "I'm glad that the webmaster did hang around loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages" or during *ACHOO!* the meanwhile yelling this "I'm a loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personage and I'm okay!" or possibley "That's what I call an ex-loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personage!" or also even during this *ACHOO!* outpour of "If the webmaster hadn't been kidnapped I wouldn't be able to be a loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personage!" or yet another cry of "This website would not exist without the help of some loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages!" or if *ACHOO!* you're desperate "The loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages told me that the webmaster is still kidnapped!" or for one *ACHOO!* last one "The loonius-cranium-hyper-text-disabled-personages stole the title!"

That, my friends, is why the webmaster is kidnapped. *ACHOO!* You must excuse my *ACHOO!* for I was once stabbed with a needle of *ACHOO!* which causes this *ACHOO!* to come out *ACHOO!* yet everyone thinks I *ACHOO!* stabbed myself with it. It was the trees I tell you! The trees! *ACHOO!*

A Really high one (Infinity) Entry: 7/13/99 1:30 AM In da mornin'. My time.
POLLGE (I AM.. and the group.)

I dun know nuthin bout the webmaster being kidnappered and wot, but I do know that she likes snark burgers, and is Pro-POLLGE. That's poll as in aPOLogy, and ge and in alGY. There. Now, vote POLLGE and forget you ever existed!

Entry Number 6: The 32nd of October A bit before the time change. 17 Years Ago Central Yank Time
The Ferret Appriciation Society

Yes, I saw the webmaster. Really, I did. I was only walking to the little hut where we hold our meetings, and lo and behold, there was the webmaster. The webmaster didn't look that great. A bit scruffy looking. Tired. Looked like the webmaster hadn't really been a webmaster for weeks. Kept mumblin on being thrown out of the loony bin, and wanting to go back. And how the Island of The was flooded over. The webmaster was waiting for another society to come in the hut, but having to go out for tea and sprockets, was unable to attend that later meeting, and left abruptly with the help of two large kidnappish looking men who dragged her out of the hut, and into the street.

Now, a friend of mine says the webmaster's been working full time as a department store clerk for the shop at the corner of West and Main. But I disagree. I haven't seen the webmaster since that moment at the Society's meeting. Another friend, a bit more truthful, says that the webmaster has become in charge of this Poll Ge Campaign...or some kind of campaign manager as it were. Also the obsession the webmaster seems to have gained, have led to a total stoppage in updates on this website. Has anybody else noticed th--------------

The rest of this entry has been cut off by we kidnappers. We feel that such words like: Semprini, Foleeda, Pants, Ferret, and Wanky Weedy Beads should not be used in the presence of website viewers like you. Aside from that, we do not like you calling our website, unupdated. Sure, its true as the fact that we kidnapped the webmaster, but you see. Actually, the webmaster managed to escape from us for a long time and ------

Sorry about that. We didn't want you to know that little fact. We're going to have the previous napper, taken out and shot! I say she's gorn orff and joined the POLLGE campaign full time. Neglecting the page is what! Spending too much time devotin her time to such odd things as school. Bahooty!

Yours Zoomatically,
Illa V. Ferret
Seller of Wanky Weedy Beads

Entry 7: The first of Octember 14:00fm The time of Dullsville, Middle of nowhere, Nowhere Island, the middle of the atlantic.

The Society for the Late Hippie Loonys, Oklahoma Chapter.

The kidnappers apparently are not as tough and restrictive as they appear, for they are allowing the webmaster to come to our meetings. The Webmaster's kidnappers have also allowed her to go out with us for "Tea" after our meetings.

Um, That's about it then.

Can't really think of anything else to say.

So why do I keep writing?

To tick you off, that's why.

Ticked off yet?

You should be.

i can't stop yammering.

I can't stop yammering.

I Can't Stop Yammering.

I Can't Stop Yammering!


(Get smacked with a herring)

Sorry I'm okay now.

The One and Only (Thank Gawd),
Chris Latehippie Semiannoying Bricksmasher WilKo Loony Gumby Esq.
of the Society of People Secretly Plotting to Smack Richard Simmons Very Very Very Hard.

Entry 8: 24 Febuloonary, the year 2000, my watch seems to be broken over the head of a segull.

The society for the defense of webmaster kidnappings

I protest! As a fellow kidnapper of webmasters everywhere, I feel it is totally unlawful for you, as a kidnapper, to allow the webmaster to visit such liberal and anarchist meetings at the PFPC. Don't you know what sort of naughty acts are commited there??? I've heard rumours that the Webmaster actually left the Island of The and boarded a ship called Loony Bits, and is now downing "tea" like a crazed maniac.
My friend's brother's half-sister's uncle's grandmother's cat's previous owner's hairdresser was walking by the harbor just this very last night and heard some very interesting noises coming from the HMS Loony Bits. If I were you I wouldn't allow the webmaster to go on with the UKTO, the PFPC, and the other stranged organisations the webmaster has become a part of! It's just not right for you to let the webmaster go poncin off to various meetings, when the webmaster should be sitting in the comfy chair drinking coffee! Not downing "tea!"

My other theory is that you've let her escape! Either that or you didn't LET her and the webmaster just did escape! Yep yep! You've done a poor job!

My friend's brother's half-sister's uncle's grandmother's cat's previous owner's hairdresser's sister's best friend!

Entry 9: I haven't been on a date in two years, what are you talking about? Time? Zone? Well, I'm a bit zoned out, but that's beside the point!

The society for people trying to become stowaways on the HMS loonybits, yet have often failed

Now, I am in support of your allowing the webmaster a bit of free time! It's good for the webmaster to get some POV's on things! So all you anti-organisationalists, piss off!


Entry 10: Today. Right now.

The Actual Kidnappers

First, we want to get something straight. The webmaster did not escape from us. We just allowed her a few weeks leave to go persue some odd campaign she'd gotten word of. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to apprehend her. --- No! No! We have apprehended her! The webmaster has had too much "tea!"

The Actual Kidnappers


Do you want to add an entry? The form doesn't seem to want to work, so... Email here. Make sure to include the date and time it was written, what time zone (including slang for what country you're in), what society you're from, and any information you know about the kidnapping of the webmaster.