Ministry Campaign Speeches

Hello! I am Semprini Fishy Requisite Lemming Loony Gumby Esquire. As Minister of Random Oddities Other People Will Forget in the POLLGE for World Leader campaign, I feel it my duty to bring to your attention the POLLGE philosophy. We believe in bricks. If you must fight something, the way to do it is with a nice, blunt, brick. Pointed sticks will NOT be tolerated by POLLGE et cetera, and we really ought to make a nice warm bonfire out of them this autumn. Now then. Pineapples, having sharp pointy parts, are not to be eaten or used for any purpose, unless POLLGE has given permission. It is my personal belief, however, that bananas are a wonderful food, and should be used in place of pineapples. Hello all. This is you Department of Justice speaking.I pledge that once POLLGE is elected world leader, I will stalk out those evil purple skewer and pineapple wielders and smash them with 2-not 3-but 2 blunted bricks. Well, unless the pineapple wielders have a letter from POLLGE herself saying that they have permission to have that pineapple, of course. Furethermore, I pledge to TAKE AWAY the pineapples (except in the aforemetioned case) and BURN THE PURPLE SKEWERS ON THE SPOT! WHO'S WITH ME?! Oh, sorry. Got a little excited, there. Evil pineapples. I hope POLLGE gets elected soon, because I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! PEOPLE ARE FREE TO HAVE PURPLE SKEWERS AND PINEAPPLES! IT MUST STOP! WE MUST ELECT POLLGE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! STOP THE MADNESS!

I say, anyone for biscits and tea?

Right, then if you elect me,
I shall up the supply of Dr. Col's "tea",
and get rid of all the purple skewers,
and make sure the streets are unsafe for viewers.
Er, safe! Yes, I mean, safe!
What the sod rhymes with safe????

Oh I'll start again....

Ahem, if you elect me this time,
I promise not to write in rhyme.
I'll do very very very well,
and dispose of pineapples you must sell,
oh bloody hell,
I've made it rhyme,
I've screwed it up again this time!

Once more...

As your Minister of War,
I address you once more,
as I stand in front of this yellow door.
I'm doing it again? Aren't I?

Hold on a minute... *runs into the other room and appears with a large piece of spam*


As your MOW, I shall mow lawns faithfully and quickly leaving no bits of grass behind!

I um...

Once more...

As the Minister of War for the POLLGE campaign, here are my promises. I promise that I shall, from now on, not use the word Promise, after this one. Y'know the one in the sentence? Where I said Promise? Oh crikey!

Last try.... I think....

As the Minister of War, I, Wapcaplet BS SPlunge Loony Gumby Esq...... Oh dear my middle intials are BS... they're surely not to believe me now... Man!

Once more....

As the POLLGE Campaigns OFFICAL Minister of War, I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Oh, dang, wrong oath!


As the Offical POLLGE Campaign Minister of War, in charge of getting rid of Wars, and all objects deemed unsafe by the POLLGE loony herself, I do say that.... that.... I've forgotten. What is this all about? Oh yes! I'll try again!

As the Offical PFPC MOW for getting rid of PS so that the Dr. Col shall not have to deal with the disease and may get back to smoking a pipe, naked in the ministry office, last thursday... hmm, taht didn't sound too good either....

Becoming the offical Minister of War was always a great dream to me as a child ---- oh I can't say this! It's a bloody lie! I never wanted to be minister of war! I wanted to be a free mason! Wait, no, a lumberjack! But actually..... I really woul dlike to be a mason! Masonry opens doors! I have a second hand apron! .....

This, is, I promise, the, last, try. (Oh crikey, I've said promise! OOoh I did it again!)

Fwiends, Womans, Countwymen! Lend me your spears! So that I may from this great day, destroy all pointy things within the grasps of the common blurgerer!

--- what?? I can't use that? My, its been my favorite so far... Hmm, arlight... another try...

I want you to join me in the fight against purple skewers! The disease, the actual thing, and the naughty bits they show up in! Yes you too can become an Allied Gumby and croon along side many other gumbies, as I sit in my office and demolit all wars! Yes, me! The lazy one! The Minister of War!

That probably wouldn't go down too well... How's about?

My name is Wapcaplet Biggles Splunge Loony Gumby Esq and I'm a Grahamaholic. I first noticed that I was a Grahamaholic when I started to eat all Graham products in the house, which had been mysteriously throwing up at me... I mean, appearing! Yes! Appearing! That's the word! Oh wait, wrong speech.. I have it here someplace! I know I do!

Snore Score and 42 Christmas's in Heaven ago our Gumby fathers decided that we needed to croon louder! Bash bricks together! In hope that one day this nation will rise without the help of supports from other woody phrases! And this is WHY my brain hurts! It is WHY I will make a good MOW! I will mow the lawn--- oh bugger.

I pledge alligence to the Gumbies in our Unified State of Insanity, and to the regurgitaters--- er um, no.

I am Wapcaplet J. Loony Bits! The J stands for --- Actually I don't know what it stands for....

I am Wapcaplet Q Loony Bits! The Q stands for.... no...wait

I am Wapcaplet G Loony Bits! The G stands for wait...I can't do that...

I am Wapcaplet Z Loony Bits! The Z stands for... OMG You're ALL FALLING ASLEEP!!! DANGIT!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!

*Insert Minister of Boring Speeches to bash peoples brains out for a bit*

Ah thankyou...

Fourty-two snores and christmas in heaven ago! Lend me your Ears! Your Eyeballs! Your Neck! Your eyebrows! Your Naughty bits! --- oh dear I'm not serious!! GAH! get away!

Hello. I'm Wapcaplet. I'm running for Minister of War. Actually, I'm skipping backwards in a puddle of something or the other. I'm not quite sure. Could someone get a mop???? Oh we haven't got a janitor? Oh, boy, we need to work something out. Any Janitors for sale? They've all gone to Africa? To join the Judges? Hmmm.. Right then...

I stand here before you, not only as your Minister of War, but as your friend, and I will now break into the Mr. Rogers song.... This is not working out!

There comes a time in every gumby's life when they have to face such a desicion as to who will become their Minister of War. Well, I'm your only choice! I have no opposition! Vote for me! I promise no more speeches! Crap, I did it again! OHHHHHHHGGGHHH!!!!

*Chicken Scream* Thankyou.

Ee Ecke ThumP! F'tang! F'tang! And a Wainscotting or two! I spy with my little eye can not do not pass go the job commitee! ---- What? It's too silly? What do you MEAN its too silly? GAH!

I think I'm about to apply at the unemployment office.

Let's see, just one more, shall we?

Would you like to switch places? Are you comfortable? Would you rather sit here? Will you vote for me? Oh, dear, now you're angry. Yes, you are. Am I pushing you too much?

I promise This is the last one before the REAL last one!

My name is Wapcaplet Biggles Splunge Loony Gumby Esq, and I would be pleased, if you would accept this speech, because it took me a sod of a lot of time to write it! I can't come up with anything good! Vote for me!

Hmm they may think I'm yelling there. Can't use it. Sorry then....

I am Wap. I shall be your Minister of War. I shall get rid of the purple skewers, and Dr. Col shall get rid of the disease ---- OMG! I said the PS word twice in this line of speeches! DANG!!!!

I yam Wap. You are loony. Along with Dr. Col and the rest of the people involved in getting rid of war instruments, I shall get rid of the diseases that come with purple skewers, war, and reinstate Joke warfare! The Pineapple shall be Banished!

I am Wap. Just vote for me. There's no one else running. I'm tired of writing speeches. I suppose this isn't my best, however, the rest were deemed unusable due the fact that BURMA! You may be asking, why did I say BURMA! Well, I panicked! There is nothing wrong with panicking. Ministers of War do that sometimes! Because I'm ready to panick for you in the name of Anti-War, Anti-PS, and Anti-Whatever-Else-Aunt-Tied ---- Oh, stupid corny... gah!

I am not a brook! What? oh brook? Well I'm not a brook either, but I ban't say the letter b. Yes, b. It's all due to a trauma i suffered about five decades ago, when I bouldn't think up a speebh, and began this post.

Along with the rest of the Ministers, I plan to have a wonderful time making the world safe for silliness under the watchful eye of POLLGE. And to do that I must demolish all wars! And bring peace! I suppose thats up to me, and the Col. most likely. But I shall do my best!

F'tang! I'm the minister of war for POLLGE and bloody proud of it! Vote POLLGE! And if you ever get down to the column for MOW, do vote Wap. If not, who cares. I'm off. I've heard they give out free bricks with every correct vote! And if not, I'll be sure to send the Minister of Justice, via POLLGE, on the way to bash you with a few bricks if you vote incorrectly! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go along with the Col. to find the world's deadliest joke. Oh man! I wasn't sposed to say we'd lost it... GAH! This speech would have worked!

I'm Wap. And I urge you to read the other speeches. Some of them might convince you, but I wouldn't be surprised if they don't, nudge nudge. And I'm spent. ---- hold on a minute *talks to self* No, this is not an Austin Powers message board. This is the Monty Python one... get it thru your head, ya silly git!

I'm Wap. I like Graham. Vote for me. I'm undecided on whether or not to like Spam.

Final Speech:

I'm Wap. I dig Graham. Go eat some spam. Vote for POLLGE. I'm the Minister of War. I get rid of them, wars. So does Dr. Col, who I've become a sort of medical loony bits assistant to lately, yet the Col. is actually my Col. for the PFPC. Not that it matters. All gumbies are equal. (By the way. If you didn't like this speech. Read one of the others. I'm thru!)

Written in 90 minutes.

The offical Decided speech was:

*Chicken Scream* Thankyou.