Well? DID they!? Bet you didn't even know I was gone! Okay, I wasn't actually AWAY AWAY, but I was out too much to get on puter due to friend sleepin over and her surprise b-day party. But, that's 2 nights lost eh what! ARGH too much forumy stuff to sift thru. Do forgive me if I dun read em all. It makes me very loony to try and catch up on them all. I see the ole POLLGE capaign and Allied Gumby cause has soared! BWHAHAHAHA ver ver good! *Dances around* Them silly PS's will never never harm another civillian Gumby again!
OOH! I'VE GOT MY HEAD STUCK IN THE KEYBOARD ARGH! I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING! OOOH!
Oh wait. I've got it out. Oooh I'VE GOT BITS OF BRAIN STUCK IN MY HEAD! Ooooh.... WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?! WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?! DOCTOR!!! DOCTORRRR!!!!!
Hmmm...seems that you have bits of brain stuck in your head...and your nose stuck in the keyboard. I say that we operate! WAP!! I need the saw...and the leverler thingy, and the machine that goes "PING!" Don't worry one bit POLLGE, you are in good hands *clank* damn! Wap! I need another saw...I seem to have dropped this one. Damn...it seems to be stuck in my foot. Oh well, it is better than a purple ske.....hee hee hee...I almost said it. You thought I wouldn't didn't you? HA!
Okay...now for something completely different...where was that saw...there it is...a little rusty don't you think? Oh, no matter...it will do. You don't mind a little rust, do you? I didn't think so.
Ah...okay...damn! I can't do this! I never wanted to be a surgean!!! *whispering* you know what I wanted to be?? DO YOU???
I wanted to be a lumberjack! Er...actually I wanted to be a pirate...but I have two legs...they said I needed a wooden one, but that was rather silly...what would I do with a wooden leg? It would be rather uncomfortable when I waltzed, or did a silly walk.
Anyways...I forgot why I was here...anyone? Ah..yes..I am here to rid the world of PS....
I am off to fight the forces of sharp sticks!
My that was a long ramble...
Right 2 saws, a few knives, an annoying announcing machine to later get beat up and shot at the end of the episode..--- oh wait wrong comedy group---...
A pirate! Leaping from boat to boat as you float down the mightiest current of the seven seas! The sword! The plank! The mighty pirate flag!
... oh okay i'll stop now..
"I wanna sing and dance
Sing and dance
be a pirate from the pirates of Penzance
Wear bright shiny buckles and TIGHT leather pants
I wanna sing and dance!"
Okay...knock it off...that is very silly!
But where the hecken is my stupid brain surgery? I WANT IT OUT! ARGGHH I CAN FEEL IT THINKING..... HURRYY and use LOTS of anesthetic!
Would you like a blow on the head? I once knew a pepperpot who wanted a blow on the head. it makes for nice anthestetic... However, I'm not a qualified Doctor, but then again most organ removers aren't.
Yet I can give you one, no charge, and you'll be out in a split second, won't hurt a bit, until you wake up and reveal a large bump on your head... But really, it'd be worth it until we cut yer head open and remove all the bits.
Well. Maybe if the Doctor comes back. Owwww.. bits of braiiinnn...
Ahem...*giggle* this is sad, I am acting like Graham Chapman...and for general information, NEVER DRINK MORE THAN ONE SCORPION ON AN EMPTY STOMACH, knocked me on my ass.
Okay.....on to the surgery! Wap, the saw please...hum? No, not the one that was in my foot...I want the one with rust on it.
Ooops...need to start the machine that goes *PING* back up! *PING* Ah....thats better.
Okay now....oh dear, for got anesthetic! SLEDGE HAMMER! Thank you, Wap. *bangs the crap outta the machine that goes *PING* *PING!!!!!* Aha! Now it is really working. ANESTHETIC! *Wap brings me a bottle of vodka* Oh right-o, this will do nicely...*drinking straight from the bottle* Okay, now I am ready! Saw!
Hey...POLLGE, you must hold still...otherwise, it is just silly. CLAMP!! Wap, hold POLLGE's ears with those allagator clamps.
*Sawing* Hummm...what have we here? Oh! *Ducking as bats fly out of POLLGE's head* Gives new meaning to bats in the ole bellfrey, now doesn't it? Wap, hand me the flashlight...*peering in the dark recesses of the open fliptop skull of POLLGE* *PING* NEI!! We are getting close!! Thingy that I use to pull the bits out with!! Thank you!
Oh...hum...*examining what appears to be a few naughty bits o brain* I guess POLLGE won't be needing this...*tossing it over my shoulder and accidently hitting Maverick with it as he and his young nubile secretaries watch with interest* Sorry about that, old man. AH...here it is....the cause of all the trouble. *PING**PING**PING* ---The machine that goes *PING* starts going nuts as I pull out the cause of all the brain cramping...A PURPLE SKEWER!!!!!!
*Stuffing odds and ends back into the craneum of POLLGE* I had never seen the PS disease become that envasive before...must have been some bad SPAM. uGh...*trying to fit a loose tennis racket in POLLGE's skull* Ah..there we are... All better now. I think...*hiding some left over parts behing my back*
Wap, go see if we can donate these things for a price to people who really don't need them...
Paging the Invincible Doctor...Cleese is here to see you about the double vision.....
(My gosh that was hilarious.)
Right! I can have 50,000 for the bits of brain going to a Mr. R.P.G. Gumby, who would like to replace some wires and stuff with the bits of brain, hoping that he will no longer have to be connected to this stupid television set!
The P.S. Disease has been locked in a cabinet on the southside of the River, without a key, while attached to a giant garbage truck which will in... 30 seconds....plunge into the river! Let's watch...
And here we're starting...
The garbage truck is revving its engine....
the Pollution COntrol people are having a field day as they complain and try to stand in front of the revving garbage truck....
The garbage truck moves, but..OH NO!
They've all gotten P.S. Disease, and the garbage truck man has run himself over!
This is terrible!
How else can we dispose of the P.S. di
-Wap (extremely glad to have a graham nut as her Colonel)
*Putting on my British military uniform* Hum...this is worse than when they were testing the "World's Deadliest Joke" on human test subjects...ahh....those were the days....*shaking head* Ah...here is my riding crop. DRIVER!!!!!!!!!! *Jeep pulls up, I hop in and we speed merrily down the road(on the wrong side of course) to the river, passing Picasso and LeTrec the front runners in the dead painter bike race. *throws a banana out causing Picasso to run over LeTec's tricycle and both to go crashing into a sex shop*
Ah...here we are....*beating the driver with my riding crop* you can stop now! O Hello, Wap! What have we here? *Wap gives me a full report on the events leading up to this display of PS disease*
He ran himself over? *Sigh* Upperclass twits...oh well. What of these people over there *pointing at the rabble who are foaming at the mouth and carrying sharp sticks* They are infected, as well? Hum. There is only one solution to an epidemic like this. Anesthetic!!! *Wap brings me another bottle of Vodka* Ah..good, jolly good! *Taking a long drink from the bottle* SAW!!! The one with rust on it! I NEED THE MACHINE THAT GOES *PING* !!
*Wap rushes off, then comes back rolling the machine that goes *PING* over to the jeep.*
*PING!* Ah....I love the sound of the machine that goes *PING* in the afternoon.
Okay....where was I? Oh yes! *Drinking more Vodka* Hum..DRIVER!! Oh yes, there you are, didn't see you there. *Smacking him with my riding crop* I need you to go get my PS secret weapon please... *Turning to Wap* And now for something completely different while we wait...
-------LeTrec and Picasso speed by as we wait for my driver to return---- *Taking out my pistol I shoot Picasso* I never did like him that much anyway...he smelled funny.
Oh here is my driver...OH NO! Don't look at it you idiot! *Smacking him with the riding crop* Egads, it is hard to find good help these days. Ah..here we go...No don't look at it Wap!
Okay..*PING* God, I love that machine.......! Okay, stop it *beating the machine with my riding crop* stop the *PING*ing...
---With the help of Wap and my incompetant driver, we unveil a large billboard with the "World's Deadliest Joke" printed on it. All the PS victims take one look at it and start giggling. Soon they are dropping like flies...even the dead driver starts giggling and drops dead again. My driver sneaks a peek while my back is turned seeing to the machine that goes *PING*...soon he is dead at my feet.
*sigh*...oh well. Come Wap, we must get back to the Ministry Building. This has been very silly, very silly indeed.
who was able to correct Cleese's site with a sledge-hammer and some strawberry quick.
It seems that the World's Deadliest joke has just fallen off the jeep!!! It's gone rolling down the hills!
*looks at the Dr. who only seems to have the expression that says "Well at least we didn't lose the machine that goes PING!*
*watches as millions of people have a glance at the joke, and fall to their hilarious deaths*
Suddenly, the PING! machine rolls out of the jeep.
*Quickly hands the Dr. a bottle of gin to ease the pain* Sorry, it seems we're all out of vodka.
I'll go after it.
*jumps out of the jeep, runs down the road*
The Dr. prepares the drink, gulps it down, and the new replacement incompetent driver keeps driving in the other direction, unaware of the PING! disaster.
*sheilds eyes from the Deadly Joke as it runs past me. The PING! machine is no where to be seen*
Bloody hell! I knew I shouldn't have given set the "How not to be seen" manual on the PING! machine!
Oh dear! The machine that goes *PING* is making a break for it!! Arghhhhhhhhhh! *smacking my new incompetent driver* FOLLOW THAT MACHINE GOING *PING* !!!!!!
----Driving at high speeds in reverse, I calmly sit drinking gin out of my tea cup as my driver suceeds in running over LeTrec(who by the way won the Dead Painter Bike Race). Soon I see Wap running aimlessly over the landscape. *Tapping my driver on the head with my riding crop I tell him* Follow that Wap!
---Pulling along side the now exhausted Wap--- Hello there...it seems that my machine that goes *PING* has made a break for it. *looking over the empty landscape with blurry eyes, I completely miss the "Worlds Deadliest Joke" as it runs by, sending Wap hiding her eyes and scrambling to save my incompetent driver.*
Well, then...hop in Wap. I must find my machine! *Putting my glasses back on, and refilling my tea glass with gin* DRIVER!! *Tapping him on the head with my riding crop and getting no responce.* HELLO UP THERE! ANYONE ABOUT? *Tapping him harder* Damn!! the silly man is dead...well good riddence to that freeloading bastard! Incompentent git...thinks he can get away with dying on the job! Grrrr....I don't think so. GET UP YOU SILLY SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT AND DRIVE LIKE A MAN!! I MUST FIND MY *PING* MACHINE!! *Popping the dead driver on the head one more time* NI! Look at the useless exscuse for pigeon vomit! He even has the gaul to smile at me.....ah..smile? *Taking a drink from teh gin bottle and looking at Wap*
EGADS!!!!!!!! "The Worlds Deadliest Joke" is on the loose???????!!!!! RUNAWAY!! RUNAWAY!!
WAIT! My dear *PING* machine......oh..the anguish...!!
----I sit down with my tea cup and bottle of gin, and Wap and I start formulating a plan to trick the *PING* machine into coming back....and how to disarm the "Joke Warfare weapon."
who is being paged by another poor soul with PS.
I say we blow it up!
*Seeing the look of alarm on the Invincible Dr. Col's face, I start sputtering some reassurance, which goes quite nicely with how the car was sputtering*
I say, not the PING! machine, the joke. Next time it comes by, we throw a penguin at it, making sure its nicely attached to the telly, and boom! no more worlds deadliest joke on the loose. After all, the last copy is buried, waiting for us to dig it up, xerox it and stick it in a vault with a few bits of brain left over from this mornings wonderful transplant of an elephant to a chicken!
Dr. Col pours a bit more gin into the, slightly cracked but still in nice condition, tea cup.
*The Incompetent Driver II being dead, means that no one is driving the jeep. Dr. Col
repeatedly taps the stupid git with her driving crop, yet having no response, I decide to kick the now dead driver, out of the jeep.*
He's possibley pining for the fjords, but would be delicious with some stuffing and broccolli.
*Realising, I am not old enough to drive, I begin to wonder where it all will end.*
Will I be on the side of the road in forty seconds?? The dead Minister of War??? Did I eat the driver? WHat is going on here?
*Well, no actually, as Dr. Col shakes me out of my intense insane sputtering about penguins, eating drivers, and dying in forty seconds, to reveal that the Imcompetent driver III has just parachuted upside down while wearing a bikini, into the drivers seat.*
I stop my panic, and proceed to shift thru my ever dying memory about the contents of the "How not to be seen book"
*I then conclude* The PING! machine must be.. at the lake! Thats where the man told them to go!
The lake the lake! The HORROR! The how not to be seen...if you get seen! You get blown up! We must get there!
*With that, I fall out of the jeep onto the road, and watch as Dr. Col tries once again to get the stupid git handling the sterring wheel to actually turn it round.*
percival the primate:
Sorry to interupt old chaps, but shouldn't your mind be on the task at hand? I just happened to see the machine that goes *PING!* flying south quite rpaidly. And from the way it was laughing, I'd say it read the world's deadliest joke.
Either that or it's leg was eaten by a tiger, I can never remember which one's funnier. Oh well, the chase is on, TALLY HO!!
The Invincible Doctor is distressed. The thought of my lovely machine that goes *PING* going south for the summer makes my brains hurt.
*sipping gin from my teacup I gaze at the Incompetent driver III in appreciation. Not many men look good in a polka dotted bikini, but this one does* Hmm...*shaking the naughty thoughts out of my befuddled brain, and popping my bikini clad driver on the head with my riding crop as I stand in the moving vehicle* STOP IT!! THIS IS SILLY!! OODLELOLLY!!! I KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO!!!
*The incompetent driver looks at me expectantly waiting for his next order* DRIVER!! FOLLOW THAT WAP!!!!
-----The driver, following in the footsteps of my previous two drivers, can only drive in reverse at high speeds; As we drive backwards after Wap I formulate a silly plan. Catching up to her, just before she jumps in the lake...I yell for her to stop. Unfortunantly my bikini clad incompetent driver is a useless bastard and keeps driving right into the lake. I emerge, extremely damp, and a little disgruntled with my Col's hat in my hand, my riding crop under one arm, and my precious tea cup in the other hand----
Damn. The silly bastard was too stupid to unlock his door and drowned *I say, motioning towards the bodiless bikini now floating on the surfice where my jeep is now deep sixed* Ah, well...good ridance to that freeloading bastard, he didn't even know how to protect himself from fresh fruit...probably some sort of spy for the blasted Corporate Raiders. *Wap come running over to me, worried that I broke my tea cup* Hello there, Old Bean, all is well...though my gin seems to have gotten wet. *Putting on my hat again, pretending not to notice as a fish falls out of it* Okay...back to the Ministry!!! *Wap asks how we should go about getting back to the Ministry now that my jeep is slightly soggy*
Oh. That could be a problem. *Spying the sorry form of the now re-deceased Leutrec next to his tri-cylce.* I say! This should work. *Righting the tri-cycle I hope on and yell back at Wap* WAP...hurry up! We must save my beloved machine that goes *PING* We can rid the world of the "Joke" later...*Wap hops on to the back of the tri-cycle, as I peddle furiously backwards on the wrong side of the road to the Ministrey*
------We arrive as the Minister of Falling Down rolls down the stairs past us on a three wheeled skateboard. Leaving a trail of fish, a couple of saws, and naughty bits of brain from some previous activity, we track down POLLGE and relate the sad tale. From there we learn of Percy's siting of my dear sweet *PING* machine, and the direction it was taking.-----
But before I can relate my glorious plan to the group gathered for this mission, the door is thrown open and five renegade accountants burst through the windows. They throw tickerpaper rope around me and drag me off to their Corparate Raider Ship...
Stop it. Stop it. Its silly, very silly indeed!! I don't know anything about the pink flying sheep incident! Honest!!
shesh..if it isn't Cleese its and Ouiji board call from the Good Doctor...
---I run after the Dr. Col, hoping to deliver the teacup safely within her hands, before the Corporate Raider Ship takes off. Instead, I end up bumping directly into the Minister for Running up Stairs Two at a Time, Flinging Open the Door, and saying "Ha ha! Caught you mildred!" I explained to the minister that I had nothing to do with Mildred and hadn't seen her since last winter when the geese eggs thawed on the table.
Before waiting for a reply, I rush outside, leap down the steps, and toss the teacup with all my might, hoping that it may land safely in the hands of its owner.
Luckily, it does, which gives me enough time to grab two bottles of gin for Dr. Col, and stow away apon the ship.
It is then that I hear a faint *PING!* sound.
I move over to investigate.---
Crikey! *I cry, as I fall over a large piece of machinery*
It's the PING machine!!!
---This in turn sends 50 different sercurity guards after me. Seeing that one of the security guards is dragging the now gin-less Dr. Col about the boat, I toss the two bottles up in the air, hop onto the PING machine, and proceed to ride about the boat on it.
On my way thruout the boat, I notice a large door that says "KEEP OUT!". I shove the PING machine overboard onto a large raft, cut the rope with an extremely illegal pineapple, and send the PING machine back to land.
I kick open the door to reveal at least 40 different types of purple skewers. Careful not to repeat the word, I begin to hum laments and turn my headset to some extremely sleep commencing classical music.
I begin to throw all the items which I cannot say again, overboard, in hopes that they may sink. Unfortunately, they don't. They float. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder ----
Dr. Col! Ah, Where are we off to now? They have millions of... you know what's in here! And about 4 of them floating around in the sea now.
---I pour the Dr. Col another teacup full of gin, and listen to the new plans for the retrivial of the PING machine, now on land, the destruction of the joke, escaping the ship, and getting drivers who are not imcompentent.----
Oooh, now what did the Good Doctor say to you. I must say, I don't have an Ouiji board.
Well...these silly bastards *pointing towards the renegade accountants with large swords made of fan fins advancing on us* think that I am the one who crashed a flying pink sheep into their ship last Saturday evening. *Interrupted by shouts of "You bad person!! I spit upon your income tax forms!" from the grotesque group of raiders* Oh, do shut up! Anyway, Wap...they think it was me.....but, it couldn't have been me....I would remember that, I think. At least the pink sheep, I do believe I would remember that....well...at least the crashing part. I KNOW I would remember that. But regardless of my non-memory, I was in surgery last Saturday! I removed the naughty bits from a patient and donated them the Norwegian Blue foundation...he was pining for the fjords, you know. *pouring more gin into my cracked tea cup I look around for some means of escape*
Okay...lets see....my original plan will not work in this context...I seriously doubt that an incompetent driver will fall out of the sky to distract these silly bastards *pointing at the drooling pirates with pocket protectors.* *FALAOOM!!* *A incompetent driver falls from a passing flying sheep and lands on several of the renegade accountants.* Well, then...this is rather silly. *I say as I walk over and view the pile of human wreckage, prodding incompetent driver IV with my riding crop. I notice that he is actually in uniform and am a bit disappointedI am in charge of all unmarried males, of course* Hello there....are you alive? Hello, old chap...are you pining for the fjords? *Whapping him on the head with my riding crop* I SAY DRIVER, ARE YOU ALIVE? *He immediately hops up and does a silly salute and says, POLLGE sent me!* Oh good...then you can get us back to the Ministry, old bean. Wap! Here is the plan: first off, we need to get off this ship before the decide to kill me...and before we become infected by those unmentionable items, four of which you threw overboard, and those that remain that my new incompetent driver is now chewing on. Oh.....you silly git! Bad driver.....bad! Ahem...now where was I? Oh yes, *drinking more gin* then we go after my machine that goes *PING* *Wap grimaces and asks, "Um...Col, just how do you propose we get off the ship?"* Ah....no worries. It isn't really a ship, you know. It is a mobile 30 story office building.... all we need to do is get through the gauntlet of really old, security guards that smell like geritol and walk out the front door. *Looking over my shoulder, I drop my tea-cup...Wap catches it just before it hits the deck...the accountants have gotten out the long range unmentionable sharp pointy things, and several pineapples and are coming toward us as fast as their aged old legs can carry them.* Um...or we could always jump over board....*Wap takes my tea-cup and gin and does a flying somersault over the edge of the ship/building * Well....hmm....I didn't mean now, I didn't even finish telling you my plan! *yelling at Wap*....oh well. *Turning around, and running over to my new incompetent driver, I grab him, tie him to an office chair, hope on the back of the office chair and roll both of us off the ship.*
-------Coming back to the surface of the water...I swim with my incompetent driver to shore where Wap, POLLGE, and Percy are waiting. Pushing IV on shore, I realize that he is infected with PS. *sighing* Wap! Saw please...oh yes....and ANAESTHESIA...*Wap hands me a tea cup full of watery gin, and my rusty old saw. Before I can begin, and idea occurs to me..... Downing me gin, I grin excitedly and start pointing at the sky and baaaa-ing* *POLLGE, and Percy just look at each other and one of them says, "I do believe the Invincible Doctor's anaesthesia habit has taken its toll..." Wap just grabs my riding crop and pops me on the head with it* NI! Thank you, Wap... What I am trying to BAAAAAAA BAAAAA....eh...say is that all we need to do is equip a flying sheep with *PING* radar...! And we will locate my beautiful machine that goes *PING* and return it to my office.
*Suddenly a grapefruit lands and explode at our feet...getting grapefruit juice in all our eyes* EGADS!! The corporate raiders are attacking! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!
The Good Doctor told me that I was very silly, and that I really needed to run around nude more often in public to show off my naughty bits....oh and that Elvis says Hi, and that there are no sex shops in heaven.
---The four of us hop on to some conviently placed motorbikes, and zoom away from the ever growing number of accountancy pirates.
I somehow manage to turn backwards..
Using one of the two pineapples I was givin for defence, I fling the naughty fruit at the accountants.
Of course, it misses, shatters into a million pieces, and my motorbike (unable to control itself without me sitting correctly) skids off to the edge of the road, hits a rock, causing me to go flying off, and the motorbike to take a U-turn back at the pirates.
Dr. Col, Percy, and POLLGE, having gone over the extremely large hill to my front, have no idea that I have had an accident.
I manage to pull myself up and run quickly over the hill, tripping over a small book, I tumble down, making sure to grab the book with me. On the way down, I see the Minister Of Falling Down, and give a short uncomfortable wave.---
Doctor! POLLGE! Percy! Anyone!! *I cry, searching frantically, and running quite out of breath, as the pirates tumble down the hill after me. I hear a long zooming sound and suddenly I am lifted with great ease into a side bucket on a motorbike.
It's the Dr. Col. *
Look, I seem to have found the how not to be seen manual. The PING machine must be somewhere around here. Due to the fact that I left the OW!!!!
* Looking back I see that the cart has somehow seperated from the motor bike, toppled over, causing me to hit my head on the pavement. *
When I awake, I am tied up with silly string. Dr. Col is tied to a chair, and being questioned.
I'm too dizzy to realise anything else. Only that Percy and POLLGE better have made it back to the ministry.
Ah, quite sounds like Graham. Wondering if the man shall ever contact me. Seems like Piccasso and LeTruc shall not have anything to wreck into in heaven, eh?
What? What did you say? I had nothing to do with that flying sheep you illiterate sack of grisly bat quano! Come over here so I can't bit your ankles! *Hoping up and down in my chair Nashing my teeth at the nerdy accountants* Ugh...I usually like being tied up, but this is silly! *Looking around at my captures and the still disoriented Wap. Who knew that we would hit Monet's bicycle and crash, then be captured--again---by corporate raiders out for blood?*
Where have you put my tea-cup, you silly bastards? Oh..oh...NO! Not that! Not the broccoliduster! Anything but the broccoli duster! *I yell as the accountants bring out the dreaded instrument of torture...waving it slowly infront of my face* Ni! Run away! Run away! Get that blasted thing away from me!!
*Wap looks on in horror as the pully off my boots and socks and start tickling my feet with the broccoli duster. Trying valiantly not to giggle as they begin this most hidieous of tortures, I look around me in desperation. I notice that my incompetent driver IV has also been captured(not that it was such a stretch for the hostile Corporate Raiders to do. the found him on the beach among bits o exploded pineapples still trussed up like a pheasant on the solen office chair that I stole from the raider ship...hummm...so I guess that makes it a re-re-stolen stolen office chair.) Anyway...driver IV is quietly munching on the evil, undescribable sharp pointy things. (Being that he is already infected, him eating 'em doesn't matter much.)*
*Wap, being the good sort she is, starts trying to wiggle out of the silly string chains, gives that up, and starts gnawing at them. "Egads!" she exclaims, "tastes like the naughty bits of sheep!" ---The torture stops and there is dead silence as everyone stops what the're doing and turns to stare at Wap. "NO! You silly gits! NOT like that, you perverted pack of fluffy bunny lovers!" Everyone looks at each other, and starts up where they left off with their respective tasks, namely torturing me with the broccoli duster and feeding my incompetent driver IV more and more naughty bits of the BAD things.*
*Tears start streaming down my face as a few repressed giggles start to escape. Gritting my teeth, I try to think of really depressing things, but all I can think of is the Good Doctor and the Crunchy Frog, of course, THAT doesn't help.*
*PING!* Hark wots that, me ears hear? *My eyes search the deck and suddenly, I see it there, all alon, bathed in sunlight, with tax forms and estate balances blowing around it. *PING!* It sounded so lonely, so sad. It belonged back in my office with me!*
*COL.!!, Wap whispers, I'm free!" Forgetting about being surrounded by raiders I yell back* SAVE MY TEA-CUP! I AM GOING AFTER THE MACHINE THAT GOES *PING!*!!!
*Since I cannot free my self from teh silly string chains, I start bouncing up and down in my chair. The accountants scatter, frightened by my sudden upward mobility. Suddenly, very faint at first, there is a gentle sound on the breeze---soon it turns into the roar of 10 flying sheep BAAA-ing. Then the fruit started to fall.
Wap, having gnawed through her bonds, runs to me dodging falling fresh fruit and the squealing accountants and cuts through my silly string chains with an unexploaded penguin. We then run over to the machine that goes *PING!* and push it over-board. Next, I push Wap over-board...then I run and grab my incompetent driver IV and jump into the water. Climbing on top of the machine that goes *PING!* We use the incompetent driver as a paddle and start for shore.
I think I shall write the whole imaginery conversation that I had with Graham down...
Having reached the shore, the incompetent driver IV gags and chokes up the not pleasant tasting water, and proceeds to fall directly onto the sand. He is dead.
Look!*I cry, as a Incompetent driver V rolls up to us in a pickup. He is dressed in farming clothes, and makes the most annoying wheezing sound, as we pile into the car. Deciding that this driver will not do, I shove him into the back of the truck, and wait for number VI to arrive. Meanwhile, I pour Dr. Col a new cup full of gin into the now quite dirty, cracked slighty more with a chip on the handle, teacup.
The driver falls, as planned, directly into the truck moments later and we are off. Dr. Col holds the PING machine tightly, bashing it a few times with her driving crop, making it perform its wonderful pinging concerto over and over again.
And now its time to save the world from the deadly joke. But first... A word from the auctions*
Col! The bits of brain auction has risen. They now want 1 million per square inch of POLLGE's bits of brain! Loony bits! Silly bits! All the bits! Aside from any naughty ones tossed out which were still infected with PS disease! The auction is just around the corner!
*Dr Col gives me a look which says, "How do you know all this? You've been with me all afternoon."*
When I passed by on the way to saving your teacup, a newspaper was sitting there, with the daily auctions. We'll be rich, well, after we pay off Maverick, the minister of doing absolutely nothing for large amounts of money..or something thereof, we shall have a net worth of.... 57 cents which shall go to Algy and the python stuff fund, unless we can manage to double the auction income, we will not get anything. Not a sauuuuuuuuuu ------I am interrupted by the imcompetent driver VI's smacking directly into the light pole, causing it to fall all over the truck, and begin to fall on direct course into the mid-afternoon traffic, yet not lasting long after a killer car munched it right down. ---- sage!
*I fill the Col's teacup up with gin once more, while the Col beats the driver's brains out*
Look of fear! It's a gigantic purple sheep! In front of us! There! On the road! *I scream*
"What I didn't see anything?!" cried the incompetent driver.
WHat?? There the BIG SHEEP! You nit! *I explain*
"Oh! Sheep! I thought you said spam!" replied the driver, recieving a nice whap over the head by the Col.
Ooh, i must read it.
Oh my! I hate purple sheep....ever since one ate my father, stole my Bible, raped the horse and road off on my 3rd grade teacher...the bastard! *Looking at the giant purple sheep and shuddering* WAP! The long range purple-pineapple launcher please! *Handing Wap my riding crop---egads that rhymes!---and taking the purple pineapple launcher from her. I take a sip of tea, and then get the giant sheep into my crosshairs...* TAKE THIS YOU BIZARRE WHEELBARROW-FULL OF TOAD TUMORS!!!!!!! *And I launch the purple pineapple missle...then, grabbing my tea-cup, duck and hide in my seat as the missle speeds towards its target. Soon the air is filled with giant purple sheep bits*
Well, Wap...lets head back to the Ministry. I do believe that we must do something about the "WDJ" problem. *Removing a giant purple sheep bit from my tea-cup, I take a drink of my gin and yell* DRIVER! DRIVE ON!!!
----So we travel along at high speeds in reverse on the wrong side of the road, until we literally hit the statue of John Cleese outside the Ministry Building. The Statue is relatively okay...but its out-stretched hand cracks and falls on Incompetent Driver VI.--- Damn. I lose more drivers that way. Come Wap, we must return the machine that goes *PING* to my office, and call an emergency meeting....alert POLLGE that we are back from being captured and recaptured by the Raiders. Oh! And bring me more...er.."tea" please. I seem to be running a bit low...*turning my tea-cup upside down*
Oh...and also tell POLLGE that the naughty bits of her brain were sold to an elderly couple from Yorkshire...said something about feeding them to their cows...must be mad as hatters. Just don't tell her that the bits brought us any money....she might make us mend the statue of Cleese again.
The Emergency Deadly Joke Meeting.
*I am sitting around smoking a pipe and chewing bubble gum in my office waiting for POLLGE to send round a page to summon me to the meeting, when Wap comes running in with a new batch of gin for me. About that time, the page shows up and leads us to the War Room.*
*I plop down in my chair and put my boot clad feet up on the table and start puffing merrily away on my pipe while Wap is playing with the overhead projector, making funny shapes with the shadows...shadow puppets...or puppies....or something like that. In comes Percy and POLLGE, who stop and star at me. Then shake their heads...(Hey, had to take Grahams advice! There is something liberating about smoking a pipe in the buff during important security meetings.)*
Well, I think that we should come up with a jolly good plan and then go to the Upper Class Twit of the Year Contest...I hear that the competition is pretty stiff this year...*I say taking a drink of tea, watching Percy chase Wap away from the overhead projector*
PS disease has struck my computer!!!!!!!!!
*Being a fellow Graham fanatic, I grin at the bare Dr. Col, not having much of a problem with the naughty bits in full view of everyone. Although, I do wonder if Dr. Col knew that the windows were wide open. Anyhow, sitting down at my chair, I comment*
Ah, I see you've began smoking a pipe. Jolly good!
*Recieving looks from POLLGE and Percy and various other ministers, I merely grin and continue*
Let's see, being minister of War, in charge of these sort of things, I must inform the general commitee that I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions.
*Dr. Col motions for more "tea" which I quickly pour for her, relieving a bit of tension since all eyes were on me anyways. Well, all eyes that were not on the Dr. Col....*
So any ideas? *I say, recieving a root beer from the Minister of Fosters, which I proceed to gulp down. After finishing it, I glance around.*
The minister of Falling Down is busily falling all over the place.
The Minister for running up stairs 2 at a time, flinging open the door, and saying, "ha ha caught you mildred" was going to do just that, yet the Minister of Web Research informs The minister that it's just a bungalow.
The minister for doing absolutely nothing for lots of money is busily enjoying his secerataries.
POLLGE is tossing an banana in the air, waiting for someone to say something.
The minister of Speeches, Bad Prams and Sherry (ah yes, more thank you) and the Minister of Making Long and Boring Speeches are colaborating on a new long boring and yet very powerful speech.
The Minister of SIlly walks is busy explaining to the Minister of Philosophy about how silly walking would become a great issue in the subject of philosophy.
TailMange, Aide to POLLGE, is busily burning all purple skewers which The Minister of Justice (aka Minister of Long and Boring Speeches) had collected that day.
The Minister of Money walks around handing out pythonic tee-shirts size xtra extra extra extra small bought with the 7 cents, 2 goat bladders, a dead mouse chin, and half a swan neck in the treasury.
Dr. Col just sits puffing on the newly initiated pipe.
As for myself, I pour the Col another cup of "tea" and proceed to recite jibberish to a computer so that it may write it all down for when I feel like reading it.
Somewhere in my babblings I decide I need another 20 pounds, so I jump right out the window, and onto the street.
Dr. Col, shortly follows, and we meet up with the incompetent driver VII
*Looking around me as I head down the street to catch up with Wap, I realize that not many people have seen a naked Col. before. Seeing a couple of coppers down the street walking towards me with intent to arrest, I decided that a Col's hat, a pipe and riding boots probably just wouldn't cut it for the afternoon stroll. Straitening up to my full height of 5' 5, I wait for them to come to me. *
*The first cop calls to me, "Miss...yes you....the naked one! Wot the ell do ya think you doing?"
Straightening my hat, I look him up and down*
I, my dear chaps, am on official Ministry business, and would be much obliged if you two dirty pennies would go bother someone else.
*Sneering at me the second cop says, "Official Ministry business, eh? Nah...you fit the description ov the shoplifter we've been after for months now...." Now this just completely fascinates me. Me a shop lifter? In this out fit? Bloody hell!*
Uh...excuse me, sir....what did you say? A shoplifter? Me? If I may ask....what was I shoplifting?
*The cops shift nervously in place and answer, "Farming Equipment."*
Where, the bloody hell would I put farming equipment? * I yell, throwing my arms out to emphasize the fact I am totally nude except for my boots and my hat* You two silly bastards think that I have a plow up me arse????!! Or perhaps I have a bleeding farm ouse under my hat?!? What are you, daft??? I am bloody well naked! *Almost enraged to the point of only being able to utter a high pitched welsh whine*
*The cops start getting all indignant over the whole lot, "Now see here madam!" the first cop says sternly, "You match the description of the robber...female, nude.....----he would have gone on, but was interrupted by somebody driving a thresher down the middle of the street totally nude. They look at me, and then at the stolen thresher... Then start sputtering, the second cop says, "Well...right then. Carry on..." just before he and the first cop took off after the naked combine thief.*
*During this whole escapade, Wap had returned to find out why I was shouting at two officers of the law. "Up, Col Dr..Dr. Col....do you want me to get your uniform?" she asked looking a bit puzzled.*
Ah.....yes.....that might be a good idea, Wap. My naughty bits are getting a tad chilled. Those silly bastards *pointing at the two cops chasing the combine down the street* thought I had shoplifted farming equipment. *sigh* I know that the temptation to steal farming equipment runs deep within all humanity....you never feel as complete as you do with farm equipment...but sadly, I am allergic to hard labour and farming implements. Oh well...
*Wap just looks at me speechless for a momentwho wouldn't be speechless after all the talk of farming equipment?"Oh....okay, I will be right back with your uniform, Dr. Col." Shaking her head, she ran off towards the Ministry building. Returning soon after with a jeep, my uniform, and the new incompetent driver VII. "Uh...Dr. Col.....I wasn't able to locate your tea-cup..."Wap said saddly*
My tea-cup? *taking off my hat to reveal my worn, but valiant little tea-cup sitting nicely on my head, taking it and inspecting it* I have it right here...weren't about to allow those dirty pennies to take my favorite tea-cup! Here, hold it...gently now! Hold it while I dress, please....*hopping on top of a sidewalk bench I dress in full view of everyone around me while Wap and my incompetent driver VII carry on a conversation about farm equipment and the lack of sex shops in heaven.*
Okay...now, Wap....why did you jump out the window? Not that I mind it, I like it when people pop out of windows...much easier than doors, I might say....but why during the emergency Joke meeting?
*Wap looking at me with a sheepish grin admitted, "I had to. I was thinking on how to repair the statue of Cleese without dipping into our brain bit fund....and came up with a plan. I shall go down to the wharf and try to sell these" holding out a pan full of giant purple bunny bits.*
But, Wap....we really need to handle this Deadly Joke business first....er..how much do you think you can get for the bunny bits? *sipping my tea* Oh! What a brilliant idea, Wap!! Lets, go and fix the statue of Cleese...DRIVER! *whapping incompetent driver VII with my riding crop and jumping off the bench, and bunny hopping to the jeep.* Lets go to the little shop over there *pointing across the street* they have what I need....
*The driver VII looks at me and asks innocently, "Farm equipment?" I hit him on the head again with my crop and tell him to be quiet... Wap, laughs and hit the driver with her pan of bunny bits..."No you silly bastard," she tells the addled driver VII, "we need super glue..."*
Very good, Wap! I see that you picked up St. Palin's manual on how to read minds....*I put my tea-cup back under my hat and hop out of the jeep(that hasn't moved an inch) and head over to the little shop called, "THE HUNGARIAN GLUE SHOPPE"*
I dare say, Wap, old girl, do you have your Hungarian/English/English/Hungarian dictionary would you?
who is searching for her glasses....has anyone seen them? Graham must have borrowed them...grr...free loading ghost!
*taking out my Hungarian Phrasebook by Alexander Yolt who lives at 46 Horton Terrace, I begin to translate the Hungarian that the glue shoppe owner spits out at us,* "Ole Franny Knickers would you please fondle my bum. Drop your panties, sir william, I cannot wait til lunch time." Wait a bloody minute, why are you in a hurry to get to the station?
----Seeing no reply from the Glue man. I proceed to pick up a large canister of glue, and pour it over his head at which I translate the screams of "My nipples explode with delight!" to the Dr. Col.
In exchange for my Hungarian Phrasebook, we take about 40 canisters of Glue from the Shoppe.
When we return from the shoppe, the Incompetent driver VII is eating marshmellow smores, by burning them on the engine which had exploded along with Incompetent Driver VI on the truck which was parked (or crashed) only minutes away from the jeep.
While the incompentent driver VII ate smores and drove on the wrong side of the road, quite fast, and in reverse back to the ministry even though we had never left in the first place, Dr. Col explained to me how exploding was a natural medical phenomenon.
I was quite fascinated, yet the conversation was cut short as we ran directly back into the cleese statue, except from the other side, having gone in a totally useless complete circle.
The Cleese statue was now in total shambles. ----
Oh bugger! *I cried.* Hey look! Over there! It's the John Cleese Statue shoppe! We're in luck!
*Quickly fetching a new statue exactly like the lost one except it had not such a shiny texture on it, I decided that this mere problem could be solved if the forty things of glue were poured from a hieght of 50 feet above the statue. Of course, my big mouth caused me to be the one to do so.*
---I climbed up on the roof and poured the canisters with ease, yet, accidentally glued up ye olde Driver VII. No problem to the Dr. Col who merely said, "He was lasting a bit too long anyways."
Five minutes later it was back to the Ministry Meeting room.
We'll need to watch the Deadly Joke skit for a bit of inspiration! Or read the script! Or is there a Manual for this joke? *I cried, trying to think up a solution. This was, like before, leading no where. So I decided to jump out another totally different piece of air producing holage in the wall. The AC vent!*
*I jumped right thru it only to discover a rather dusty booklet, with one word "Slotermeyer" written on it. It was in German, yet having seen the Python skit, many times, I knew this had to be the way to retrieve the deadly joke! I then proceeded to sneeze a mighty big one, which landed me right into a hospital bed, and I had no idea how I'd gotten there, when I awoke. Until five minutes later when the Dr. Col explained it.*
I think the Fishy fishy has stolen them. He went whereever Terry Jones did go....
*Sitting back in my office doing a report and other paper-work on the events that had been transpiring, and sending in a requisition for another incompetent driver, I sat waiting for word from the lab. Wap, had revived for a brief time, but had lapsed into an episode of PS disease. So, I was rather happy when one of my handsome-single-Norwegian-lab-assistants came and informed me that Wap was awake after the emergency PS-ectomy. So, I picked up the "Slotermeyer" booklet and went to the PS lab recovery room.*
*Taking Wap's chart from one of the other lab assistants, I looked it over* Well, Wap, you silly git...it seems that you had a mild touch of PS that was complicated by a snuzzle-booby trap.
*Wap sat up abruptly and shouted, "SNUZZLE-BOOBY TRAP?!?"*
Yes, I am afraid so. *A black board with intricate illustrations of nasal passages, and complicated chemical and math formulas, magically rolls over to where I am standing, as I began addressing an imaginary audience using my riding crop as a pointer on the black board.*
A snuzzle-booby trap is laced with a special type of genetically altered pepper, whose original purpose was to be used as an aphrodisiac for lonely accountants, but when terribly wrong somewhere...instead of inspiring un-bridled lust in people(even accountants)it caused them to sneeze until their brains were all mushy and icky...it was soon turned into a weapon of mass nasal inflamation warfare, which was given a go after Joke Warfare had been banned.
*The blackboard rolls off, running over two assistants and a pig and I return to addressing Wap, instead of my imaginary audience* Anyways, you have discovered the lost Joke Warfare field manual...it tells us everything...EVERYTHING!!! Well, actually...not everything, just some things...not even that much. It just tells us how to handle runaway jokes that can kill on site...but that can be everything if you think about it. *Glancing at my pocket watch* Right then, come along, Wap....
*Walk out the swinging doors, hitting an assistant carrying some naughty bits on a tray with one of the doors as we leave, sending the poor chap barreling into the black board and over the pig and out the window....*
The War Room.
*All the top level Ministers are there, milling around waiting for the session to be called to order*
Hmmm....okay, as soon as POLLGE and the Minister of Falling Down finish arguing over the chair with only two legs, I will start the footage. *POLLGE cuffs the Minister of Falling Down, then goes and sits on the invisible bench, and watches smugly as the Minister of Falling Down takes a tumble in the chair with only two legs.* Right...I think that means we are ready to begin....LIGHTS!!! TEA!!
-----Showing footage of the World's Funniest Joke----
*The lights come back on, finding everyone involved in a strip-poker game* All right, my dear Ministers * I say raking in my winnings* Now we come to the moment we have all been waiting for.....THE Slotermeyer handbook! It contains, a list of EVERYTHING we need to recapture the accidentally liberated Deadly Joke. *sipping my tea and wondering why the Minister of Running Up Stairs Two At A Time is trying to get Algy to put on a bubble-bee costume....shaking my head I pretend to ignore that strange scene* Okay everybody, listen up.....here is the list. I have taken the liberty of printing it out for you...please take into consideration how hard it is to write with crayons.
*We continue with our strip-poker game until Maverick yells, "BINGO! I've got BINGO!!" Wap hits him with a frying pan that Algy had lost in an earlier hand, and says, "Are you daft man? This is poker! Not Bingo!" Maverick looks lost and then grumbles, "Gah...no wonder my naughty bits are getting chilly..." After losing my socks, I decide to retire from the game, go get more "tea" for the quest and grab my list of things needed to recapture the deadly joke. I look it over and try to figure out where I am going to get:
1. A man with half a moustache and no sense of humour.
*I grab my hat, riding crop and my supply of gin and start out the door. Wap, quickly hops up, steals POLLGE's shoelaces and joins me, as I search for a new jeep and incompetent driver VIII.*
who found her glasses, finally...stupid pigs.
*As we search for the jeep and driver, I begin to ramble,* I think I could locate a person with absolutely no sense of humour. Oh wait, it said, man with no sense of humour. This could be tough. I know a lot of teach---women with no sense of humour, but no men.
--- We find Incompetent Driver VIII banging his head against the sterring wheel of the new jeep, and screaming undecipherable sentences in a high pitched voice.
Dr. Col hands me her driving crop, puts her teacup under her hat to free her hands for the action of lighting the pipe.
Using this to my advantage, I beat the driver a few times with the driving crop, and hand it back to Dr. Col.
The Driver refuses to stop beating his head. For some reason this gives me an idea.
Back at the Ministry: Vistors Assembly Room
50 different people with only half a moustache sit in the room. This includes the incredible Half Man, Half Woman, Half Moustache, and Half a Brain from the Circus Van which had wrecked into the Cleese statue only moments before, causing the tresaury to become 5,000,000 richer. Quite nice.
Right! You all know why you are here. We need to test your sense of humour. Only those who pass the test will be sent on this mission. This could possibley be a suicide mission. You could die on this mission. You -------
*Ten people run out of the room, so I discontinue my pep talk, and merely shout,* Col! The footage please!
30 episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus later.... There is no one left in the room who wasn't marked aside from the various ministers who had come in to watch Python. The non-ministers had been marked with red tape if they had laughed at any part of Python. This is merely Impossible. The count was: 3 dead from laughing too much, which I reported to POLLGE so that she may promptly hush it all up, until we get a minister of hushing things up. 10 had run gone home. The Half everything had run out the door with another, so that makes 2 run out the door. 15 marked with red tape.
No one was suitable for this mission.
Jolly good, I see you all have a sense of humour. This is usually wonderful, however, we need someone without one. You're all dismissed! *I say, pouring Dr. Col more "tea."
The 15 who had remained, left. We then proceeded to the next option. The Telephone Book.
*I proceeded to rattle off names*
Let's see there's 17 Chapmans, 78 Jones, 13 Loony umby Esqs, and 42 Incompent Driver Incorporated Stations.... Haven't found a Man With No Sense of Humour And Half A Moustache yet. This is a crazy phone book. Where did we get it?
In the Ministry office.
*After a disappointing session, I sat staring at the empty chairs and the 3 dead bodies scattered about the assembly hall, sipping at my tea and idly twirling my riding crop. Wap is flipping through the Looney Phone Book, that I had found in Chapman's desk earlier that day before all the adventures, she continues reading off names in a monotone voice:
Wap: Charlie Horse Gumby, III, Manson Bricklifter Babybottom Pramsnatcher, Nopants Nixon Ada Bruce Gumby IV, esq....*yelling suddenly and standing*BLOODY HELL!! These damn things aren't even in alphabetical order!!
The other ministers who were busy poking at the dead bodies to make sure they were really dead and not just pining for the fjords, look up and walk over to where we are.
POLLGE: Um...well Wap, we haven't a Minister of Silly Telephone Books, or a Minister of Putting Things In Alphabetical Order, yet....*shrugging and looking mildly apologetic*
*I sit there for a second...the word Alphabetical echoing through my head over and over again. Suddenly it hits me(an Idea not an Alphabetical) I know where to find a man with half a moustache and no sense of humour!*
*Jumping up on the table and tossing the contents of my tea-cup over my shoulder(which accidently hit Incompetent Driver VIII in the face, forcing him to take a step back right into a trash can which gets stuck on his foot, which then trips him up and he falls out the window while everyone watches in passive interest.) *
Me: *chicken scream* I've got it!!! *Everybody looks at me as I stand on the table in fully Silly Col regalia dancing and doing the chicken scream every few seconds.
Algy: *looking a bit puzzled* Got whot? A bug? A pig?
Me: No no no!! I have an idea!!! * I walk on the table over to where Wap is thumbing through the telephone book, reading it upside down.*
Percy: The Dr. Col. has an idea. God help us all....*putting head in hands*
Me: Wap! *Taking the phone book from the slightly startled Minister of War* Find me another saddly incompetent driver, a tranquilizer gun, duct tape, some reciets from the Palin Statue Shop on Brinkly, a calculator, and a cage. Put them all on a jeep and wait for me by the crumpled remains of St. Cleese's Statue.
Me: *I flip through the phone book till I come to the "Really Boring People With Little or No Personality and No Sense of Humour" section the Silly Phone Book* This is where poor boring bastards who wouldn't know a joke if it came up and bit them on the bum are listed. *I rip it out. Stuffing it in my uniform jacket and do the chicken scream again* I have a plan. A wonderful, fantastic plan. Okay...maybe not a wonderful, or fantastic plan....but it is great. Hmm....great maybe too strong of a word....hum...to be honest it is probably not even a good plan. It might rank as an okay plan, but that would be stretching it. It is a desperate plan. Not that it is bad to be desperate....but....well.....we are desperate.
*By the time I have finished this little run-on monolog the Ministers have lost interest and are trying to start up a game of strip bingo. So I hop off the table and leave the hall to the sound of the theme song from Cheers.*
*In front of the Cleese statue, I find Wap waiting with our new jeep and Incompetent Driver IX who dressed like a mouse*
Me: TallyHo! The game is a foot, me dear friends! *Hopping in the jeep, I beat the Incompetent Diver dressed as a mouse, over the head with my riding crop and order him to make a quick pace to the location of the Chartered Accountancy Firmwhere only the boring live. Wap pours me a glass of gin and then we are off on the great Accountant Safari.*
Sleep? Me? Never....who needs it? Not I.....I am not crazy....no one can prove it Well, maybe they can prove it.....but, I can disprove it by showing them my naughty bits...no that would just make them think I was perverted. I am not pervert...well, not much at least....*a man in a tweed jacket comes out of my closet and hits me over the head with a bottom feeding fish of unknown origin*
We arrived quite unsafely at the ministry building. This driver was worse than the rest. He managed to stop by crashing directly into the Accountancy firm, killing himself instantly. Of course, this little accident caused me to hit my head on a very large wooden sign which read:
Gone off to seek Lion Taming Job
The Accountancy Firm of Harold, Johnson, Mary, Wicklebaker, Ferret, Smith, Semprini, Jones, Tyrone, Egg Beater, Fish, and Spam
The lump on my head didn't go unnoticed....
I then proceeded to put on the giant mouse suit and skip down the street to the Vocational Guidance Counsel...
I ran inside the building. I danced around all the accountants yelling everything from "Splunge!" to "Ee ecke thump!" in my best graham imitation voice. And soon singing every python song I knew that Graham sang.
Dr. Col walked in, puffing merrily on her pipe, and for awhile joining me in my singing looniness.
At least until I fell onto the floor, due to Dr. Col's shooting me with a tranquiliser dart.
The Accountants had Not been Amused. We'd found our men.
After I had calmed down a bit, we strung a trail of Palin Statue reciepts out to the ministry building....
I couldn't sleep, until I watched Yellowbeard... Afterward I was able to sleep fine, tho it was 5 or 6 am....
Back at the ministry...(again...we seem to go there a lot.)
*I am cowering behind an office chair in the MOW office as shots are being fired over my head.*
Me: WAP!! PUT THAT DOWN!! *three more shots ring out over my head*
Wap: Come out! The both of you! *Standing on the desk with her Daisy Red Rider Air Riffle**mumbles* Damn, doplehammers....
Me: *looking around me* Uh...Wap, there is only one of me...and thats dopleganger.
Wap: *taking aim with her riffle* Which one of you said that?!?
*Mavrick and Percy commando crawl into the room over to me*
Mavrick: What the hell is going on in here??? And that's dopenhiemer...
Percy: (covering eyes) Yah...whot he said!
Me: It's the effect of that tranquilizer I got er with at The Accountancy Firm of Harold, Johnson, Mary, Wicklebaker, Ferret, Smith, Semprini, Jones, Tyrone, Egg Beater, Fish, and Spam. It was specially PH balanced for accountants or dead animals...not that there is much difference...*Shrugging* But, it seems to have given her double vision, and made her a tad paranoid. *Ducking again as more shots are fired over our heads*
Percy: *peeping through his fingers at me* Why'd ya shoot er with the bloody tranquilizer then? She isn't no accountant!
Me: Well...uh...she thought she was a mouse...
Mavrick: That is morally disgusting!! Mice people..ew...scourge of society....
Me:....eh...sure...but I was more afraid she was going to attack the cheese delivery person that was delivering cheese at that time. *Shaking my head....that made no sense*
Mavrick: Oh....okay...that's only a small plot-hole...we can live with it. *Both he and Percy crawl out of the office*
*Suddenly Wap steps on her stapler and falls back into her office chair...immediately I hop up and bind her to the chair with duct tape*
Me: Sorry, Wap old girl...but I couldn't have you trying to kill me while I set up the accountant trap. Not kosher, you know.
Wap: *glaring* Don't think I won't find out who the real Dr. Col. is!!!
Me: Yah...uh...there is only one of me.
POLLGE and Spamlegde IV: *in unison* Thank God.
*I spin around a bit surprised. I thought everybody was still trying to get the Minister of Falling Down to fall down the big stair case again.*
Me: Oh...hello. About to set up the trap....want to help?
*both look at me like I am nuts*
POLLGE: No thank you...we will just watch. *Both POLLGE and Spamledge IV sit down on Wap's desk*
Wap: *wide eyed and a bit frantic* AGHHHH!! More dopplegaugers! EKKK!
Spamledge IV: *turning around* Thats dopplelickers....
*Wap continues to make strange noises and speak in funny voices as I work...everybody just ignores her...POLLGE and Spamledge decide to help me out by giving advice)
POLLGE: Do you think we should tie them with rope? I think not...they are like rats...would use their little rat teeth and gnaw right through the rope...
Me: That's why I am using the old "drop a large cage on the accountants" trap theory.
Spamledge IV: Eh....what if they have a sharp stick?
Me: Shut up.
*This goes on for a while until I have the whole contraption set up. All we have to do now is wait*
------Two hours later----
*We are cutting the tape off a now sane Wap when we hear scurrying in the hallway..THE ACCOUNTANTS ARE COMING! We hide behind the MOW's desk and wait as the poor bastards follow a trail of Palin Statue Shoppe slips into the MOW office.*
Accountant 1: Hey...look...they under paid for the nude statue....we can file on that...
Accountant 2: Good work....I have found a bit of difference in their book keeping too...seems they are selling naughty bits on the side and not reporting...OH YES....this is like sex...well, not really...I have never had it....but, it just can't be as good as crunching numbers and making peoples lives living hells....
*POLLGE and Spamledge IV look at Wap and I*
POLLGE: *whispering* naughty bits, eh? *I just grin sheepishly and take my tea-cup from under my hat and take a drink*
*BOOM!! The accountants have tripped the trap*
Me: *jumping out from behind the desk* A-ha!! Got you! Someone get the collars!!!
Accountant 1: Why are you picking on us??? *almost crying*
Me: Why? WHY? You ask.....well.....* I start singing in my best Graham imitation, to the tune of All of Me, and doing a little shuffle dance to it*
they'll do your books for a small fee
Why don't we
get a few bricks and hit them
Take their charms
they don't know how to use them
You can grab their hips
but even Ricky Martin couldn't sway them
There beady eyes
make me want them to die
Why can't we
just shoot them
Those bloody sharks
took my credit apart
so why not give them all
Hmmmm....this is silly......very silly indeed!
Accountant 4: What is it with these loonies and singing?
Accountant 3: I don't know. But it seems someone has a fascination with Graham Chapman statues, as there are 40 underpaid reciepts for Graham statues. Two of each statue bought from the....
*I quickly snatch the reciepts from the 3rd Accountant* Hmm, how'd those get in there???
*Heading over to Dr. Col* I say, we can't kill the useless gits, we need them to get rid of you know what so that you know who doesn't find out. *Not really sure what I'm talking about, I walk off and count the accountants.
Seeing what looked like enough to full fill the plan I proceed to leap around the room chicken screaming.
Dr. Col joins in and pretty soon we've got all the accountants in a big crowd. Percy then pulls the large rope made of shoestrings won from the strip poker game earlier, causing the cage to encapture them all.
Of course chicken screaming can be so fun once you get started...
10 minutes and three hundred high pitched chicken screams later, Dr. Col and I are ready to figure out what to do next.
Of course at that precise moment Incompetent Driver IX comes crashing thru the wall, three office chairs, and just before he can crash directly into the Graham Chapman statue positioned directly beside my office chair, I jump into the jeep and toss a really large cinder block on the breaks, causing him to stop with much damage to my desk yet none to the statue.*
What? Well, I didn't have enough time to gather any bricks! *Seeing no sigh of relief from anyone but Col I add...* Its a Graham statue people! What if it were a Palin one? Or Eric? You'd understand then right?? Oh never mind!
*I pull the Incompentent Driver IX out of the rubble, and with the help of POLLGE, Percy, and Col manage to push the jeep back outside.. Then, since we have no minister for hushing things up, I run out to POLLGE's Office and come back carrying a large piece of brick design made carpet and string it over the large hole the wall.*
There, all cleaned up. Now, back to the Accountancy Deadly Joke Crisis. What's the plan? I've no idea due to large amounts of tranquiliser that were in my blood.
*Seeing no reply from anyone having any idea of the plan due to Mav's fascination with his secerataries, Percy's falling all over the place, POLLGE's conversation to TailMange and Algy about possibley sticking more Palin statues in the budget, and Lemon Curry's constant practicing of "Ha, ha caught you mildred"....
I pour Dr. Col more gin and then leap around the room in a long spread of Chicken screaming lunacy just to get somebody's attention*
I really would like some graham statues...make my room a bit more interesting it would...